Have you ever wanted to get millions of hits on your blog without having to use one bit of your brain? Would you like to create a hoax disguised as satire in order to bring home a traffic bonanza? Do you aspire to be a slimebag? Boy have I got the tutorial for you!

We all know that person. If it's 105° at your house, it's 110° at theirs. If you get two feet of snow, they've got three. If your gallbladder bursts, they get pneumonia. It seems like a basic human instinct to try to one-up each other, but the world would be a much better place without disaster snobs.