Weather dot com has built itself into a traffic juggernaut over the past couple of years by positioning itself as the leading source for telling you what THIS is. With great power comes great responsibility, and you won’t believe how close you are to death until you’ve checked your local forecast.

1) L of Doom

A large Tetris block will crash into the waters off the southeast coast as part of a promotional deal for Disney’s 2012 animated movie Wreck-It Ralph. Tsunami waves will ripple from the copyrighted, L-shaped game piece, inundating millions of square miles of coastland.

Odds you’ll die: 62%

2) The Answer Will SHOCK You

A rift in the ocean will swallow a bridge, which an elderly man leaning off a dock will pull out of the water with his bare hands. Meanwhile, a volcano will erupt while aliens shoot lasers at us tonight. Everyone shaded in purple and orange is at risk for days to come. From what? Stay tuned to find out.

Odds you’ll die: 31%

3) Prepare Now...

Don’t bother, you’re already dead. We reached the event horizon and the known universe has long since collapsed into a singularity. Thankfully, The Weather Channel was there to name it.

Odds you’ll slip from this corporeal realm only to have to watch Fat Guys in the Woods on a loop for eternity: 93%

4) Desert Shield

The Weather Channel has teamed up with the oil and gas producers of America to deploy a large shield over the desert southwest in order to thwart that terrible “solar energy” debacle. Wind shear caused by the disc’s deployment caused dangerous severe thunderstorms in central Texas.

Odds you’ll die: 17%

5) It’s Headed Toward Earth

It’s headed toward Earth and no one can stop it, because you won’t stop doing unholy things to watermelons and sea creatures.

Odds you’ll die: 1%
Odds you’ll disappoint your mother: 100%

[Screenshots via The Weather Channel]

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